Author of the book Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man and a family man the famous Steve Harvey has faced few challenges in what he calls “Blended families” in his Ted talk about the subject. Harvey and his wife Marjorie have a Brady bunch like family of seven children from previous marriages. Steve fathers four while Marjorie mothers three biologically. Harvey stated “We don’t use the term step children. I don’t want them to feel alienated when I introduce them.” He went on giving advice to two other families that have a similar background as he does. He told the couples that they are the parents, basically they call the shots. He gave them a suggestion to listen to what the children have to say as he does. Harvey implied “We give them a say; you can say anything you want.” After the discussion make sure let them know “this is what is going to happen.”
Harvey’s advice will give parents a better understanding on the situation. Step parenting is not something new to society. It is formed when two partners decide to make a life together by marriage or cohabitation with a child or children from previous relationships. It is obvious that the number of stepfamilies is growing rapidly although statistics are not entirely inclusive. The US Bureau of Census states, “75%” of people who divorce do “remarry” someday and “50% of the 60 million children under the age of 13 are living with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner.” Over the years, society has portrayed blended families via television shows and movies, such as The Brady Bunch, Step by Step, Keeping up with the Kardashians and Cinderella. While blended families are becoming more and more popular, they also cause many problems.
I am very interested in stepparenting because I did not have it easy growing up. Being raised in a blended family has shaped me into who I am today. My stepbrother and I do not have what I would call a close relationship but we do get along. In my opinion, this is so because we have different mothers. He lived with his mother but would visit our father on many occasions. When this happens my father paid more attention to him, and I never understood why. I thought, the youngest was the spoiled one and should get a little more attention. I often felt neglected and unloved by my father when my stepbrother was around. After my stepbrother’s mom sudden passing, he lived with us, and that made me feel like I was thrown out the door.
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However, I had the love and support of my grandmother and aunt on my mother’s side of the family. They were like mother figures to me even to this day. I still felt like something else was missing. I can recall times when I did not want to go home because of the atmosphere. I felt as though I was suffocating and my voice was not being heard. Therefore, I would occasionally pack a bag and tell my mother that I am spending the weekend with my grandmother and aunt. I believe that children in blended families suffer, mentally and emotionally.
I still feel neglected by my father and I barely speak about it. This has even gotten worst since my parents got a son together. Since 2000, I have been the only girl child in the family. A middle child of my father and the first born of my mother. As their son has grown, things have gotten worse. My stepbrother migrated to the United States but the neglect was still there. The child my parents now shared together was given all the right. Nothing I did or said was being acknowledged. He was treated like a king like nothing he did was wrong.
My personal experience can serve as an example of problems that can arise in blended families. Although blending families is common, this practice can do harm to parents and children. Parents believe that children are likely to be happier in a blended family than in a single parent family. They are creating a more positive atmosphere at home, resulting in happier children. Jensen, Todd M., et al stated that “… results also suggest that there may be long-term benefits to high-quality parent–child relationships in stepfamilies” (284).
Blended families provide stability by ensuring that the children now have two parents to look up to. They also believe both the parents and children have a second chance at happiness. It is an opportunity for the children to have an additional role model apart from their biological parent. Nonetheless, blended families assist those who are divorced or widowed to reorganize their lives and preserve familial structure. Having both parents present, compared to a single-parent family can help better the development of the children.
Moreover, having two sources of income means a better standard of living for the household. Blended families help reduce the struggle and the stress that a single-parent family has to endure. Yes, blended families provide stability by providing two parents but the biological and stepchildren don’t always create strong bonds with their stepparents. Children will be happy or unhappy regardless of what type of family they are in. Stepmothers and biological mothers in blended families encounter challenges with their mental health.
Professors Danielle N. Shapiro and Abigail J. Steward form Michigan State University stated, “Parenting stress and lack of acceptance and support from other family members, especially stepchildren, may explain some of the potential differences in mental health outcomes and functioning in step- and biological mothers” (535). Stepmothers have conveyed more signs of parenting stress than biological mothers that later develop into depressive symptoms. Stepmothers are looking to feel accepted by their stepchild and to be a good role model for them. The pressure of disappointment creates high levels of stress for the stepmother.
Shapiro and Steward also mentioned that, “In contrast to stepfathers, stepmothers have been found to have greater difficulty consolidating their parenting role to fit within the broader family structure” (534). Their stepchildren will give them a hard time because they already have a mother and they are not looking for a substitute. They then feel overwhelmed and distressed because they are concerned about their child or stepchild’s feelings towards the family structure. This makes it hard for the stepmother to form a bond with their stepchildren and lowers the awareness of their stepchild. Stepmothers and biological mothers feel pressured because they seek acceptance and approval from their children and stepchildren about their parenting skills, which results in high levels of stress.
The stepparent who is new to parenting has the greater difficulty adjusting to the blended household. They are not certain of their roles and responsibilities. Blyaert and his colleagues noted, “When entering the new family . . . unlike in the nuclear family, the stepfamily lack the shared family history that would usually facilitate problem solving and help maintain relationships through conflicts and challenges” (120). The absence of these norms will result in uncertainty concerning what roles are appropriate.
One of the biggest problems that a stepfamily would possibly face is discipline. Children will refuse to accept punishment from a stepparent, and sometimes, because the strategies of punishment may additionally differ from parent to parent, it may even lead to problems between the couple, feelings of anger and doubt. Similarly, disciplining by a stepparent may additionally cause feelings of resentment toward him or her due to the stepchildren, which may become more intense as time passes. Stepparents who are new to parenting are worried about their parenting skills because they never had a child of their own. Moreover, Stepparents are depicted by society in a negative way.
Blyaert states, “This negative perception finds its origin in folklore and in fairytales such as Snow White, in which the stepparent is depicted as an evil person” (120). Stepfamilies are viewed as deviant, less functional, and more problematic. The findings in this article research reveals that it is important to the children and stepchildren to receive attention from both their parent and stepparent. Stepparents would like to play a role in their stepchild’s life but they are unable to do so due to social perceptions of them. The blending of two families, discipline, and lifestyle can create challenges and can become a source of frustration for the children.
Therefore, there is a great risk of negative outcomes for children in a blended family. It is believed that single parents fear being alone; hence, they get married without considering their children’s feelings and the children are the ones who suffer most mentally and emotionally. One of the hardest things for children in a blended family is learning to share a parent. Many children have difficulty accepting and adjusting to the stepparent’s presence and are unruly towards or reject the stepparent.
The biological child tends to feel jealous, insecure, and neglected by their parents, and this causes them to act out at home or in school to receive attention from their parents. Professor Marilyn Coleman and colleagues highlighted, “The more transitions a child experienced, the larger the negative effect” (776). Thus, blended family critics state that transitioning strains will occur when children are uprooted to live in a different community or to start a new school, leaving their friends and family. This change is often hard on the children, where they feel like they don’t have control over their life, and they lose their sense of security.
It is said that children develop mental and emotional struggles and perform poorly in school because they are unable to concentrate. Blended families do more harm than good for children and parents need to consider their child’s wellbeing before remarrying. It is easy to be prejudice and unfair in blended families. This does not provide a healthy environment for producing productive people. Actions speak louder than words, and the benefits of modeling expected behavior can be extensive especially for children who face many new challenges because of remarriage or cohabitated partners and the creation of a blended family.
One element that I found was there are so many ways of coping with the issues related to step relationships. There are workshops, counseling facilities, and therapists. Like every other family, parents should make time for their children, whether it is their biological child or step child. They need to know what is going on in their child or stepchild’s life and offer help where needs be. They should also communicate with their spouses and trust that they made the right decision by including him or her in their children’s lives.
