“At the beginning of G-d’s creating the heavens and the earth” an infant male with the name Jordan was born.
There’s a common trend in today’s society to raise one’s children with the belief that life will be perfect, that life will be smooth. There is a belief that G-d is all-powerful and performs acts in accordance with the best interest of human beings. Yet, to my horror, I have recently discovered, a world deep in challenge and strife, a world filled with hardship and agony, which questions and goes against the very core belief which has been created in my mind.
I have grown up in a very traditional family where love and kindness have been prominent. I have learned the importance of being a Jew. I grew up by practicing my religion and being engulfed by the idea of believing in an all-mighty power, who bestows kindness to each individual.
However, as I have aged and begun to traverse the highway of life, my rose-tinted sunglasses have been stained and darkened. I have been exposed to a world filled with agonizing pain and difficulty. This leaves me feeling hopeless and empty, forcing me to question the real existence and purpose of G-d.
Two years after my birth, my father’s younger brother and his wife were blessed with their first child, Jordan – a miracle baby born after the struggles of an in vitro-pregnancy treatment.
Every day Jordan wakes up, he lives with the challenges of Autism. The insurmountable problems of not being able to engage with people, having no friends with which to share his life is his norm.
He endures the difficulty of learning and struggling each year to advance into higher grades. He faces the hardship of communicating, of eating, of being present in happy moments, of remaining calm in tough situations and of simply choosing to embrace all the wonder that life itself offers. This so-called ‘perfect’ world, ‘perfect G-d’ suddenly seems to crumble.
As a practicing Jewess, every morning in prayer, I say: “Blessed are you… who bestows kindnesses and creates everything”.
How do I reconcile this “kindness” to my sister who comes home broken-hearted by the fact that someone extremely important in her life has no brain activity from a traumatic car accident? What deity would express “kindness” by having those he loves forced to watch a 19-year-old friend get lowered into the earth? What about the “kindness”, that the Jewish people’s safe haven, Israel, is constantly under attack? And how do I reconcile the “kindness” that my little cousin Jordan and his family face daily?
As I exit my highway and look back on the road on which I have traveled, I feel as though I have undergone a complicated surgery that has extracted a piece of my heart, leaving me with anger, pain, and confusion.
Anger makes me want to question everything about my upbringing, my morals, and my core beliefs.
Pain about the tragedy I have experienced and fear as to what comes next?
The confusion that makes me wonder if I have been indoctrinated into a belief of a power that may not exist.
Can I be equated to the thoughtless followers that followed the South African Apartheid regime without understanding the ideology they chose to follow?
Is the world creating G-d really kind or in fact is a kind G-d really just non- existent? A question that makes me ponder over the true meaning of life.
In my pondering, I also get to reflect on all the positive and beautiful things that have been bestowed upon me. I am healthy. I am happy. I am loved and respected. I am surrounded by positive people that all make a difference in my life. I am mindful, I carry passion in my heart, and have a capacity to think and reflect, feel, and act.
I have no shame in questioning. I recognize that a huge part of my personal growth and faith is indeed to question and to ask. I may not always find answers immediately. I may not always find answers eventually. However, my internal strife makes my commitment to the existence of G-d, that much stronger, forceful, and sincere.
And so, just like the opening line of the bible “At the beginning of God’s creating the heavens and the earth” a juxtaposition of worlds is created, so too is the pain and positivity which exists in our lives.
This time is simply just one chapter in my book of life that I hope to be able to open, explore, and question.
And that my friends, is the true meaning of my life.
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