You ever had nights where you couldn’t sleep because your thoughts wouldn‘t let you? Have you ever gone days without eating because your depression told you that you didn‘t need to eat? You ever felt so alone and that no one can save you at all? The mastermind behind it all is my biggest enemy but acts as my closest friend and his name is anxiety. He came around when my brother passed away in 2012 and hasn’t left since. Sometimes I tell him to go away but he refuses to and when someone gets close to pushing him away, he makes me overthink their loyalty and my feelings towards them which forces me to be distant towards the ones who want to be close to me. Years ago, I built a mansion, and it was a beautiful mansion filled with good memories and in the rooms, I had everyone I held closest to me. Recently, my mansion has started to decay from the inside.
Don’t know what I mean? Let me explain, the master bedroom is where I sleep and on the walls its covered in pain, from the death of my brother and my uncle to the friendships that have been destroyed over the years. In this mansion, I’m stuck and locked in and can’t leave because my demons won’t let me leave. Everyone who once lived in this mansion with me have vanished without a trace and when I walk around to look for them they can’t be found, so I begin to believe that I’m destined to be alone inside this mansion of pain, anger, and everlasting stress. Fear is another demon who has a strong hold on me, he is one of the demons that won‘t let me leave the mansion that I speak of Still confused? Let me explain once more. He is the one who won’t let me trust a living soul with anything.
When these people try to get close to me and I try to let them in this mansion of mine, he doesn‘t let me let them in. He screams at me, making me believe that they will eventually deceive me and lie to me, I listen to him and never let them in and when I go back to my room, I scream and scream and scream until exhaustion kicks in and I fall asleep but I rarely have a peaceful sleep because they haunt me in my dreams. Praying puts a shield around me but it only seems to work for a short period time I would sometimes have moments where everything is going great but then it would just suddenly crumble beneath my feet and I can never stop it from happening.
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I always get that one person who tries to save me but then they see that the burden is too heavy but at this very moment 1 think that God has sent help for me to finally break out of this mansion of misery. Her nickname is Ney, she somehow made it past the door and she‘s explored this mansion of mine and she’s the only person I’ve ever known to not run and leave me there by myself. She has looked my demons in the eyes and they saw no fear and they are scared because they‘ve never has someone stand up to them before. Every night we fall asleep, she falls asleep with me and makes sure that my demons can’t touch me in my sleep or my dreams.
At this very moment, we are working on getting these demons out of my house and when we do we can rebuild this house the way we like it It’s astounding that the person 1 least expected to ever become this close with is the one who is helping me get rid of these bastards that lurk the hallways of my house but I let God know every day that I am grateful for the blessing he sent to me in this past month. ljust hope that she isn’t temporary and is willing to stay with me because if she is by my side, she won’t have to worry about me leaving her side because if we get these demons out and rebuild this house, nothing will be able to tear it down. Until then, the war rages on between me and My Demons.
