Before I had my oldest daughter, I didn’t think it would be too hard to have a baby. I assumed that I would love Emma from the moment she was born and I would transform into motherhood seamlessly. I was shocked when Emma came along that this didn’t quite happen. I floundered in the hospital, and I relied on the nurses to help care for Emma.
When they got busy, I was taken aback when the nurse on duty told me too many women were in labor and I would have to figure out why my own daughter was crying. At home, I struggled with midnight feedings and the feeling of exhaustion every day. What shocked me the most was I actually didn’t like being a mom at first. I definitely loved Emma, but I felt envious of my former self and longed for the way it used to be.
And then I felt guilty for feeling like this because I assumed I would love being a mom right away. This photograph of my daughter and me has always been significant because, like I’ve jokingly told Emma countless times, this is the day I began liking her. This picture has always represented my transformation into motherhood. I assumed that the picture that represented this would be taken in the hospital, but instead, it was taken three months later. This is the first picture taken of Emma and me where I don’t look exhausted and stressed.
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Emma was sleeping more through the night, she was smiling more and I genuinely enjoyed being around her. I gained confidence and didn’t need anyone to tell me how to mother her and what she might need at a particular time. I no longer felt envious of my former self because being with Emma felt normal now. Thinking the transformation into motherhood would happen instantaneously was naive of me. This transformation was a long and slow process. I needed time to make this journey and take steps to process this major life-changing event.
What aided me in the process was reading books about being a mom, joining a new mom support group and talking with mothers in my similar situation. I also journaled my experiences every time I had a chance, which wasn’t much with a newborn. This transformation was the biggest in my life, but another transformation occurred for me a few years later.
