My mother has taught me a lot of things from learning how to talk to surviving on my own. The one thing she forgot to teach me was learning how to live without her. I am aware that we all have to leave earth at some point, but why did she leave so soon? At just the age of thirty-five, my mom lost her battle to breast cancer, July 25, 2012. I took her death extremely hard, leading me through a journey of grief, depression, anger, and forgiveness. “No good deed goes unpunished” (Clara Boothe). Jacquelyn Moore, a beautiful and talented woman, a mother that always protected her children. She loved creating things from paper, clay, and even pipe cleaners. Never in a million years would I have thought that she would be diagnosed with cancer. On February 13, 2012, my mother told us that she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Nothing could stop the tears rolling down my face as l bolted out the door, my heart full of anger and sorrow.
My mind was full of questions and thoughts as I continued running until I could not feel my legs anymore. Eventually, I took a deep breath and went back home to support my mother, I knew that I had to step up and help my mother out while she was dealing with this illness; responsibility. As the oldest out of four, I was expected to step up even more and take care of my three younger siblings. While my mom went through chemotherapy, I made sure my grandmother and siblings were well taken care of. As days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, I began to become more depressed with my mother’s illness, Things were becoming very stressful when it came to taking care of her and also the side effects of chemotherapy.
Sometimes, I would blame myself for the fights and disagreements we had that probably led her to get cancer. I would literally beat myself up until I filled my own heart with hatred, lashing out at my family and friends. My mother was a warrior and she battled with it for quite some time. There were times where she got severely sick she had to be rushed to the hospital or she couldn’t even get out of bed. As the days went by, there were times where she could get up smiling and go to the grocery store with us. My mother was a very happy and courageous woman and I was amazed at how she took this illness head on. My first time seeing her in actual pain was when she had to get an emergency surgical procedure done in which they had to drain out fluid from her lungs. The thick, icky, and gooey orange substance was extremely gruesome to look at as a clear tube was inside her back I could not stomach to see that again, but she took it like a champ and was back on her feet in no time.
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A couple of weeks went by as she began to progressively improve; she was ready to be discharged from the hospital. My grandmother suggested she go over to Uncle and Auntie Moore’s house since they had plenty of room and my mother didn‘t have to go up and down the stairs. So, I decided to go with her to help her out and be her caregiver. The whole month of July, I would feed, clothe, and even paint her toes as we watched television and had our girl talk days went by and I began to notice a sudden change in her attitude as if she was determined to beat this illness that had her down. She cried to me thinking that she couldn‘t beat this and how we were suffering It broke my heart to see her in this position and I comforted her until she fell asleep. The next day, my sister, Jayla, decided to come spend the last few days with us, as we both took turns helping my mother.
It felt good to take care of her as she smiled at us painting her toes or even feeding her what we cooked. Unfortunately, that would not last long as she became severely ill and had to be rushed to the emergency room. Things took a turn for the worse as she requested to see all of her children due to the fact she only had days to live. When I arrived to the hospital, the room was spinning as I ran down the hallway crying, As I went inside, I touched her skin; it felt ice cold as I stared at her lifeless body. The pounding in my chest grew louder and louder as I swallowed hard. Everything fell silent as I continued staring at my mother hoping she would wake up and tell me it was only a dream. Family and friends gathered around as they cried and embraced one and another; I now knew that this was real. The one thing I regret the most was procrastinating not to Show up because I thought they were playing a huge prankt I did not get a chance to say good-bye and I wish I could turn back time to tell her she could go on home.
After my mother’s death, everything was prepared for her memorial at the First Baptist Church of Ensleyt She wanted to be cremated, instead of being buried into the ground She also told me a long time ago that if she ever left this earth, we were to wear all white because black was depressing to her. As we prepared for the memorial service, I thought back on all of the things she taught me and how she went on to be with God; no more pain, no more suffering. Prior to my mother’s death, I knew that my grandmother was going to step in and adopt us to fulfill my mother’s wish to keep us together, “I promised your mother that I would watch the four of you and to keep you all together. My grandmother said. I smiled saying, “So…are you going to adopt us?” “Exactly,” she smiled back. It was not an easy process, but she pulled through and managed to get the Final Decree of adopting us, Being able to watch my mother through my grandmother is a blessing.
Even though I miss feeling my mother’s sweet embrace, I am glad that my grandmother took us in as her own and stops at nothing to take care of us, She has crying spells when it comes to my mother because a day never goes by when one of us has done something memorable. My grandmother has never skipped a beat in taking pictures or even talking to my mother Having to accept the fact she is gone and will never come back was the hardest pill to swallow. It felt as if someone ripped my heart out my chest and there was no way I could escape this pain. The battle with depression felt as if I were entrapped in chains The burden of my mother being gone held me down and prevented me from moving forward.
As far as relationships went with my family and friends, they began to deteriorate As the school year began, my silence was the only way I could avoid being hassled about how my summer went and so out It is very hard to try and keep something bottled up for such a long time that you are afraid you might end up exploding The fact she died the same year really took a toll on me and my family. What really made me hurt the most was she died three days before my youngest sister, Layla, turned one, As the days passed by and it approached to her birthday, January 28, I decided to reevaluate myself and boost my confidence. I would write small letters to my mother on how I made an “A” on my history exam to having my first boyfriend (ha-ha), Overall, it helped me conquer depression and forgive her for leaving us so soon.
Eventually, I accepted that she was gone and it was time for me to make her proud. It was painful that she was not there for my prom, graduation, and other events during my senior year, The chains eventually began to loosen as I learned she watched over me, even if she was not here physically .There are so many people I wish she could have met and see all of the awesome things my siblings and I are achieving. My mother was a strong woman and I knew she could not suffer any longer. I was angry with her for promising she would beat breast cancer and be with us until the end, but God has a plan for everything. I am no longer depressed, angry, or even sad she is gone; I am happy that she is in a better place and is no longer in pain The chains were officially broken off and I no longer feel the numbness in my heart.
References
- National Cancer Institute – Breast Cancer
- Breastcancer.org
- American Cancer Society – Breast Cancer
- Mayo Clinic – Breast Cancer
- NHS – Breast Cancer
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – Breast Cancer
- Medical News Today – Breast Cancer: Causes, symptoms, and treatments
- WebMD – Breast Cancer Health Center
- Breast Cancer Research Foundation
