Every so often in life I find myself stopping. I find myself slowing down and observing things, like I did with this essay before submitting it, checking for any errors or mistakes, or looking for ways to make it better. With every responsibility life hands me on a daily basis, it’s easy to forget; to forget who i am or what im even doing, and what direction I’m headed in…whether it be the balance of school and a a job, or pulling all nighters or spending a whole weekend to study for tests. It becomes so easy getting caught up in these things that I realize I have no “me” time. I have no time to find hobbies or interests like the girl with blonde hair who likes playing the piano or the quiet guy who sits in the back of class who likes reading anime.
Recollecting my half finished senior year, so far my life has been fast paced and lively, almost like the inner city on a Friday night. I was, and still an, just floating through life trying to make things happen. I was so hopeful and committed to meet my life goals the best way I could. Not everything went the way I wanted, but after a while, a few of my goals were accomplished. I was accepted into a dual enrollment program, I fed the less fortunate, I made a points system for DECA, I acquired more hours at work, I aced (some of) my tests, and finally I was accepted to the university of my choice. After all of this, this is where I pause. I stop and think, I make sure there’s nothing I’m forgetting. By this point I’ve got the feeling in my heart you get when you know you’re forgetting something and can’t remember what it is. I yawn. Did I forget assignment? I finally sit down for a break in my day, and my stomach rumbles. Did I forget about a test? I turn to my phone and look at my work schedule to make sure I work my normally scheduled Friday Saturday Sunday Monday Thursday. After all of this I still can’t seem to figure out what I’m forgetting. My heart is still beating a million beats per minute, and I’m still wondering what it is that’s missing. And then it dawns on me. Have I been to sleep for more than 4 hours? Have I eaten today? Have I made time to hang out with any of my friends this week? Do I have any time to create a painting or watch a TED talk on YouTube about procrastination? Sure enough , my answer to all of these questions was a no.
Soon enough, my responsibilities and commitments caught up with me, and turned into a blank canvas. Life itself turned into an artist, and I became a stream of water color too dull.
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I realized I needed to gain control in order to brighten up the canvas in order to make perfect whatever it is the artist was trying to create. At times, when things become too difficult while we are trying so hard to make things not so difficult, it becomes “too much”, and self blame becomes a huge part of living life in that moment. But then, I requested less hours at work, I got more hours of sleep, and I began to slow everything down. With everything less crowded together, I now had more free time than ever, using it on me.
New curiosities lead me to new interests and hobbies I would have dreamed of having time for before. I started to become more outgoing than ever before, and began trying new things. I became very passionate with everything I decided to do. Stopping myself to take a look at the big picture helped me realize that there is time for me, and helped me make the best decisions for myself rather than others. I was now able to brighten up the canvas, even if it was the dullest piece of artwork there is to everyone else.
The development of the canvas titled “me” is constantly going through changes. Whether it be adding a color or two, texture, or hobbies as I grow. By changing colors or adding texture to the canvas, more complexity is included in the picture, coming all together, making it “me”. Whether it’s a sunset over a beach, the skyline of a city in the night, or a rose with a million petals, be certain that whatever you paint is a reflection of you, and is your “me”.
